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The Top 13 Conditions of Mike Tyson's Reinstatement

13. Stand by Grammy podium to whup up Wu Tang Clan interlopers as needed.

12. Before leaving the ring, must stop to pick up any bloody chunks of flesh he's left lying around.
11. "Tyson's Law" passed ensuring Ross Perot, Dumbo, Will Smith, and various members of the Easter candy community receive notification when Mike visits their respective towns.

10. Must find the murderer or murderers of ex-wife Robin Givens' acting career.

9. Manager's hair cannot exceed the maximum height of 12 inches.

8. Stop acting like someone who gets hit in the head for a living, for cryin' out loud!

7. Every time he hits below the belt a spanking will be administered by Richard Simmons.

6. Nutritional labeling required on all his opponents.

5. Not allowed to congregate with 2 or more Dallas Cowboys after sunset.

4. Remaining eight teeth must be extracted.

3. Lay off the helium prior to press conferences.

2. Absolutely no fights with Mr. Spock.


and the Number 1 Condition of Mike Tyson's Reinstatement...


1. Must substitute for ring announcer Michael Buffer for 10 fights, saying, "WET'S GET WEADY TO WUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMBLE!"