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Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade G.O.D. or GOD. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft GOD", and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Joseph McSmither, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft GOD will make our L.O.R.D. or LORD more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to the LORD, making the LORD not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft GOD, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of GOD, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft GOD for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft GOD with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our LORD accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation (DS) and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server (SAS).

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft GOD servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Bible: Using a Windows-based editor, worshippers can cut and paste any Bible verses to fit their needs so that they can use them to back them up if any other people confront them for wrong doing. In the future, the Microsoft Bible will replace all the hardcopied ones found inside all courts and hotel rooms.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft GOD server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft GOD server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new GOD product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Mormon, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. However, it will not be compatible with the Windows666 Operating System since it makes them harder to save any file and impossible to restore a bad one, and many times it crashes the heart disk resulting in smoke and fire.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft GOD installations inoperable. Sun Microsystems also denies rumors that it is planning to releasea similar product, JavaChrist, and has filed suit to prevent Microsoft from using its logo.